though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly… he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

at 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket!”

after a moment of silence, he farted.

**Sex is**
* like Nokia (connecting people)
* like Nike (Just do it)
* like Pepsi (ask for more)
* like Coca Cola (Enjoy)
* like me (too good to be true)

**Top 10 Places to have sex**
# In your bed
# In your parents bed
# In his car
# On a washing machine, while running
# In a hot tub
# On a beach, down in the sand
# On a comfy couch with the TV on
# On a waterbed
# A plane bathroom
# _In the rain_

**Top 10 Places NOT to have sex**
# In the movies
# In a car… WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING!
# In front of all of your friends
# In a phonebooth
# In your best friend’s bed
# At Grandma’s house
# At school
# In your dirty basement
# In the street
# _ON-LINE_

**Top three things to say before having sex**
# I love you (but only if you mean it)
# Rock my world
# Let’s get ready to RUMBLE…

**Top three things NOT to say before having sex**
# Is this gunna hurt?
# Sure….I’ve done this thousands of times…
# Are you sure it’s on there?

**Top 3 things to say after sex**
# Are you sure this was you’re first time?
# Gotta cigarette?
# Wanna do it again?

**Top 3 things NOT to say after sex**
# That was IT??
# I think I hear my mom calling me — see ya
# OOPS, the condom broke! My bad!

A few weeks ago I got a letter in the mail from Northface Univsersity and it sounds really interesting. I filled out the form to have them contact me. When they called, we talked for awhile, then I had a phone interview scheduled with one of their admissions representatives for Math 10th, at 7PM. It really sounds like a neat school and I’m really interested in going. Monday morning I’m going to talk to my old high school counselor about it and see if she has any suggestions. Class there isn’t like a regular college where you take a class here and there. Here you go to class from 8AM to 4PM, with an hour lunch mixed in there somewhere. The problem with that is I can’t really be expected to work much (if at all), if I goto class during the day and get a lot of homework that I’m expected to do it at night. Me not working could have a pretty negative effect on me going there.

I’m planning on writing a theme/layout/template that matches the site for the photo gallery. After I do that, I’m going to write the downloads, projects, and tutorial pages, all to match the blog site. It should be a pretty cool site when I finally get it all up and running. Today while I was going through my site stats, I noticed my first referrer. I was linked on TalkLeft about the article I posted on the REAL ID. It’s something that should be strongly opposed by anyone that has any respect for a person’s freedom and privacy. I hope that everyone reading this will visit the EFF site and send a letter to their representative. It’s simple and takes less than two minutes. On that note, I’m out of here, off to bed so I can get up and talk to the counselor.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cookout about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cookout. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili….
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the Flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

“Hello.”

Is your daddy home?” he asked.

Yes,” whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No!”

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

Yes.”

May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss
asked: “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

Busy doing what?” the boss asks.

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is
that noise?”

“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

“ME!!”

10 Truths white and black people know, but hispanic people won’t admit:
1. Hickey’s are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country’s flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
6. “Jump out and run” is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can’t possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 Truths white and hispanic people know, but black people won’t admit:
1. O. J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn’t know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a kool-aid flavor, it’s a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car

Rules For Living in Austin:

1. First, it’s pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn’t matter how they say it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has it’s own set of traffic rules. There’s no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them.

3. All directions start with ” Go down Mopac…’cause you don’t want to get on 35.”

4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.

5. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a “scenic drive”

6. The 8:00 am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a “burnt-orange” hue

8. If you like being an individual, don’t even think of working for Dell. You’ll be branded like a cattle and made to walk all over town with your “Dell tag” around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says “Michael Dell”, Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9.Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1; Capital of Texas Hwy IS 360; and 183 IS Research, Anderson, Ed Bluestein, and Old Bastrop Hwy. 2222 IS Northland or Allendale or Koenig. Don’t try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease. Ditto for daylight savings time, girl applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire 3 lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South X Southwest.

11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed “hippie” in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.

13. Stay away from the Congress bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

14. And, yes, we all know that’s a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress. It’s Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.